| March 31, 2003... Time
Off for Good Behavior |
Even though it's my week off, I've got a lot of stuff I
need to take care of, like hunting for a new job so I'll be
prepared when my current one expires, and moving to a new
apartment. So you may not see any substancial updates
here for a little while... just teeny little ones like
this.
| March 29, 2003... Detachable
Penis |
A few
weeks ago, I saw an magazine advertisement for Rayman 3,
boasting that the character had no arms and legs, but big
features. That would be perfectly fine if it weren't for
the fact that he was using a urinal at the time, with a crowd
of men staring slack-jawed at his crotch.
Tecmo upped the ante by using sexual innuendo to promote
their next game... a horse racing simulation. Note that
I said a horse RACING simulation, not a horse breeding
simulation. I can understand promoting a game with sex
when sex is actually present in the game, but is it really
necessary to drag men by their groins to the latest cute
side-scrolling platformer or gambling sim? Is the video
game industry hurting so badly that they have to appeal to
their dumbest and horniest customers for money? Good
grief.
I remember a time when video game ads were wholesome,
family-friendly, and most importantly, so freaking weird that
there was no way you'd ever forget them, even if the games
they promoted weren't particularly interesting. Just
look at this! Sure, Heiankyo Alien was about as fun as
hammering nails into your molars, but there is no way,
absolutely no way, you're ever going to get a picture like
this out of your head. It makes me want to run out and
buy the game RIGHT NOW... but then I remember that it sucks
the big one and stay put.
Oh yeah, that prototype version of Frogger should be on its
way to the nearest game dumper pretty soon. I've written
a review of the game for you to read while you wait for the
ROM to be released on Vertigo: 2099 and SMS Power.
Sadly, I can't distribute it here on the Blitz... if I did,
there's no telling what Pretzel and Green would do to me!
Yeah, yeah, they're just abstractly drawn cartoon
characters. Still, they could poke my eyes out with the
ends of their pointy little bodies or something.
| March 28, 2003... Media
Consolidation Ahoy |
What? There was a Saturn version of Konami's
outstanding RPG Suikoden, and NOBODY TOLD ME?! And to
think, all this time I've been playing the game on the
Playstation like a sucker...
Something odd is happening to the video game industry right
now. It's pulling in huge profits, yet many companies
and developers are either on the edge of bankruptcy or have
fallen off completely. Crawfish was forced out of
business after releasing what SHOULD have been their most
popular game yet, the impressive Game Boy Advance version of
Street Fighter Alpha 3. Sega was forced to merge with
another corporation to stay alive, despite the fact that their
games are among the best you can buy on either the Playstation
2 or the X-Box. Even Acclaim is finally starting to
crumble into dust. They're long overdue for that fate,
but nobody else deserves it. Besides, what's going to
happen to the video game industry if all the third party
software developers go belly up? Sony may be making lots
of money now, but even they're not going to be able to keep
the Playstation 2 alive on their own.
| March 26,
2003... Instant Vertigo, Just Add
Paatank |
I've heard people say, "What's wrong with 3D, anyway?
Does it really hurt a video game's playability that
much? Does the more realistic perspective make games
that much harder to play?"
That's when I show them Paatank on the 3DO... and that's
when they shut up.
Paatank is a pinball game... but not just any pinball
game. This one's in 3D, and it perfectly illustrates why
a first person perspective works so poorly in many video
games. You're always left vulnerable because you're not
given a full field of vision... you can't see where you are
relative to the rest of the entire playfield, and you're at
the mercy of enemies hiding in your blind spots. You'll
never know one of the bad guys are creeping up behind you
until they've planted a dagger in your back. However, 2D
games have no blind spots, and offer a better sense of
direction. They also give the player a fair shot at
defending themselves, because they can see what's about to
happen and know to react accordingly. To put it simply,
they work better as games than their three dimensional
counterparts.
I'm not saying that every first person game leaves the
player completely helpless. However, this one
does. Paatank gives you little indication of how close
you are to the drain hole in the playfield, so you'll often
find yourself falling into it. It's also harder to keep
tabs on the playfield targets. The fact that you can
control the ball directly doesn't help as much as you'd
think... it takes the skill out of the game and feels really
clumsy.
Any game companies out there that are planning to sail
through uncharted waters to find the surprise hit of the
summer are advised to steer clear of the rocky reefs of 3D
pinball. In fact, I'd tell them to keep their distance
from 3D anything if at all possible.
| March 25, 2003... Why
Am I Still Playing the 3DO,
Anyway? |
I'd like to extend
my retroactive thanks to Chris Kohler for sending me that 3DO
controller a few years ago. I've been waiting to put it
to good use, and now that I have my system back, I can do just
that. Better yet, this joypad was designed by a third
party rather than Panasonic, so it has a more logical button
placement and actually responds to the player's input
occasionally. If you've ever owned a 3DO, you'd
understand that this is a major achievement.
Now if you'll excuse me, I've lost one too many rounds of
Way of the Warrior, and I'll need a couple of minutes to vent
my frustration. Let's see... there's my spiked baseball
bat and brass knuckles. I wonder if Rob Zombie is
home?
| March 24, 2003... No
Moore, I'm Begging
You! |
People were worried
about terrorists invading the Oscars this year. What
they got was even worse... Michael Moore. After
receiving an award for, well, something (my guess is a
lifetime achievement award for the most conceited asshole in
filmmaking... I bet Kevin Smith and Spike Lee were pissed!),
he waddled onto the stage and proceeded to angrily- and
sanctimoniously!- denounce the war with Iraq. Because
you know, Saddam Hussein has feelings, too. Luckily for
everyone, Moore's political tantrum was cut short after the
show's theme music drowned him out and Jack Valenti threatened
to give him the Oscar sideways. Some members of the
audience applauded during Michael Moore's award speech, but
just as many people cheered after Steve Martin predicted that
the Teamster's Union would be waiting outside to shove Moore
into the trunk of their car (as if he'd even fit).
The truly hilarious thing about this is that Moore, and
others like him, think that they can rally support for their
cause by being disruptive, obnoxious bastards. Sorry,
guys, but it doesn't work like that. In fact, you're
doing more to discourage peoples' support than anything
else. I was on the fence about this war... in fact, I
didn't appreciate that Bush had started it without any direct
provokation from Iraq. However, when the anti-war
protestors act like rude, arrogant jerks, and nearly all of
them do, I become more and more inclined to side with Bush in
the Iraqi conflict. After hearing Moore's speech last
night, I'm tempted to fly a jet to the Middle East and fight
the damn war myself.
Now for something more relevant. My aunt flew in from
Arizona for a visit, and she brought the rest of my gaming
stuff with her. After four long years, I can finally
partake in some 3D-licious 3DO goodness! All right, it's
probably closer to 3DO mediocrity, but in any case, I can play
my 3DO again. I also finally have my copy of the
unreleased Game Gear version of Frogger, and plan to get it
dumped and distributed across the Internet so EVERYONE can
enjoy it. It just ain't fair for me to keep this dandy
of a game to myself, after all.
Finally, my aunt somehow managed to dig up this ancient
treasure map. As you can see, it's a little convoluted,
with tons of twisting, turning passageways. I wonder
where it leads...?
| March 22,
2003... Free-to-be-Dumb
Fries |
Oops... one of my readers pointed out that yes, there is
indeed an E-mail address on Jackie Kashian's web site.
The resolution on my work computer is so low that I could only
see the yellow E-mail graphic in the navigation bar, not the
link directly beneath it. I expected the graphic itself
to have a link to Ms. Kashian's E-mail, and since it didn't, I
came to the conclusion that it was removed to spare Jackie
further headaches from her geekier fans' dumb inquiries.
Now that I've solved that little mystery, I think I'll work
on figuring out why my readership has dropped over the past
week. Does it have something to do with all the recent
pinball coverage? Gee, I didn't realize people found the
game so boring. If it makes you feel any better, I
haven't completely neglected video games in this update,
adding two new John Roche reviews and more content to the
Fallen Angels FAQ. You don't have to thank me... just
don't make a break for the door when Byron comes back, all
right?
Who knew my banner graphic would mirror real life so
quickly? I've heard reports that Saddam Hussien was
nicked by one of our strikes, just days after the war with
Iraq began. Wow. I had mixed thoughts about this
attack, but if it's going to yield the desired results this
quickly, it's hard to complain about it. Naturally, the
anti-war demonstrators are already raising a stink about the
bombs dropping in Bahgdad, but they're conveniently forgetting
about the citizens of Iraq who welcome the troops as they tear
down pictures of Saddam Hussein. There are two sides to
this conflict... some Iraqis will definitely suffer, but
others stand to benefit from Saddam's removal. I wish
people would be more willing to see the whole picture, rather
than clinging to their own biased distortions of it.
That includes both the cretins who refer to fried potatoes as
"freedom fries" and the not-so-peaceful protestors that call
anyone with an opposing viewpoint a "murderer".
| March 20,
2003... Kashian
Carry |
A few weeks ago, I watched the all-too brief performance of
a comedian on Comedy Central. Normally, this wouldn't be
anything out of the ordinary... after all, this is Comedy
Central, and that's kind of what you'd expect them to
show. However, this particular stand-up comic really
stood out, because she managed to work references to video
games- even obscure ones, like the Game Boy ports of Final
Fantasy!- into her act. I've been planning to contact
Jackie Kashian for a while now, but by the time I located her
web site she'd removed the link to her E-mail address.
Her performance must have resonated with so many other nerds
that she quickly became tired of answering their
questions. You know, questions like, "What's your
favorite Square game of all time?", "Why won't you go out with
me?", and the ever popular "You're not still mad about my
giving your cat a mohawk, are you?"
| March 18,
2003... Warning: A Giant Pinball Table is
Approaching |
Just played around with a half dozen Visual Pinball tables,
including a couple players had designed from scratch.
Many of them weren't that great, but this... oh man. Who
knew that Darius would make a better pinball game than a
shooter...?
| March 17, 2003... Play
Magazine: Because Sycophants Need Work
Too |
I skimmed through a
copy of Dave Halverson's Play and discovered two things.
The first is that Halverson hasn't changed a bit from when he
left Die Hard Game Fan... every page of Play is dripping with
just as much forced enthusiasm for lousy games as Dave's last
magazine. Can you think of anyone else in the publishing
industry who's shameless enough to lavish praise on State of
Emergency after dozens of other magazines and web sites ripped
it to shreds? If you can, please shoot them.
The magazine isn't completely worthless, however.
After all, it DID reveal that Treasure, the prodigal sons of
Konami who left the company after being forced to make one too
many Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles games, have given their
former employers a peace offering in the form of a Gradius
sequel. You can definitely tell it's Treasure's game,
too... one of the screenshots looks like it was lifted
straight out of Radiant Silvergun. I don't know how well
vertically scrolling rounds will work in conjunction with a
ship that's permanently facing the right side of the screen,
but who ever expected a Treasure game to make sense?
Even Gunstar Heroes was a little off the deep end, and the
company's games only got weirder from there.
One last thing... Josh, if you're out there, we need to
talk about updating the Incredibly Effing Complete Pac-Man
page, because it just ain't as complete as it was two years
ago. In addition to all the new Pac-Man games available,
there are also the pinball titles, which can finally be
experienced at home thanks to Visual Pinball and
VPinMAME. I'm also thinking about creating a similar
list of Space Invaders games... if you'd like to help me write
this article, please let me know right away!
| March 15, 2003... Baby
Talk |
So, was Baby Pac-Man
supposed to be a girl? I think that's what she was in
the cartoon, but there's no indication of it in the arcade
game. In fact, the youngest member of the Pac-Man clan
is so plainly drawn in the video game that she could just as
easily pass as her pop. The pictures on the pinball
playfield of Baby Pac riding a skateboard make her seem even
more (extreme? Uh, no) androgynous. Sure, girls
can surf the sidewalk just as well as guys, but there's no
denying that the sport is enjoyed by more men than women...
for every Elissa Steamer there are at least ten Tony Hawk
wannabees.
Speaking of babies, it looks like we'll be getting our
mascot back pretty soon. I skimmed through the archives
and realized that Byron left to star in 11 Will Die a year
ago... now that's one heck of a long vacation! Now that
he's been written out of Chris Farrington's comic, Byron's
free to return to The Gameroom Blitz, and he'll be doing just
that shortly.
| March 13,
2003... Inconceivable! |
Here are just a few things you thought you'd never see, but
will over the course of the year:
1) Dance Dance Revolution (or a close approximation
of it) on the 2600
2) 2D shooters available for the
Playstation 2 in the United States
3) A truly good
version of Donkey Kong on the ColecoVision
4) People
begging for Louie Andersen to return to Family Feud (if you
ever saw Richard Karn host the show, you'd understand why)
| March 12,
2003... Trapped Inside the Pleasure
Dome |
Just had to do a
little routine maintenence on the site. Someone's guest
art wasn't showing up on the Dan Hibiki page... with any luck,
it should be there now.
I've been listening to a collection of older hits by the
band Rush, and have really took a liking to one of the tracks
called Xanadu. I did some research on the song and as it
turns out, most of the lyrics were borrowed from a poem
written by Samuel Taylor Coleridge, who himself was inspired
by a mixture of historical events and, er, heavy drug
use. I should probably mention that Rush's Xanadu, the
tale of a wanderer who finds himself tortured by eternal life,
has nothing to do with Olivia Newton-John's Xanadu, a campy
80's flick that's both heaven and hell to those who've watched
it. Several reviewers on the Internet Movie Data Base
were left so confused by the sweet nostalgia and sour acting
in Xanadu that they deemed it "the best worst film ever
made".
| March 10, 2003... Ugh,
Not This Webcomic Crap
Again! |
I just noticed that there's been a three month gap between
Nature of the Beast comics. Yeesh, now I remember why I
never got into cartooning as a business...
Anyway, I'm actually pretty happy with the way this one
turned out. Sure, it looks like a child drew it, but
that was kind of the point. You'd be surprised at just
how long it took for me to color the first three panels.
About halfway through, I was tempted to hand some crayons to
my nephew and have him finish the job for me!
I've got to be honest with you... I'm thinking twice about
my participation in furry fandom. I still enjoy the
artwork, but I just don't feel like I have much to contribute
to the community. To top it all off, I only communicate
regularly with a few furry artists. Chris Farrington,
Thomas K. Dye, and Scott Ramismoor have all been great to me,
but others haven't been as kind, brushing me off and even
insulting my work. I may have been willing to fight for
their acceptance at one time, but now, I don't feel it's worth
the effort.
I'll have to carefully consider this before I make a
decision. If I do call it quits, I'll still publish Zoo
Logic (after all, it's every bit as much a gaming comic as it
is a furry comic), and I'll still support everyone who's been
there for me in the past. However, I'll probably cut the
card game loose and curtail most of my artistic endeavors,
concentrating instead on writing articles and reviews for The
Gameroom Blitz. I'm actually very happy- perhaps even
proud- of the recent work I've done for the site. When I
look at the Fallen Angels strategy guide, and consider all the
great contributions I've received from fans of The Gameroom
Blitz, I can't help but think that I should have resisted the
allure of passing fancies like furry fandom and stayed true to
my first love, video games.
| March 8, 2003... Like
Shooting Fish in a Barrel |
It might be a while before I'm finished with the next
update to the Fallen Angels FAQ. I planned on adding win
quotes for each of the characters, but Psikyo gave each
fighter a different comment for every possible opponent.
With ten characters in the game, that's nearly one hundred
different phrases, and a hundred matches I'll need to play to
get them all. Luckily, the bosses can't battle each
other, and Roche (bless his bloodthirsty heart) doesn't want
to say anything to anybody, so that cuts down on the workload
a little bit.
I do have new content for you, however. You'll find a
review of Darius R on the Game Boy Advance section of the
site. It took a long time for me to find this game, but
after playing it I wonder if I should have just left it
lurking 20,000 leagues beneath the sea where it belongs.
I would have been a lot happier if they'd decided to convert
Sagaia to the Game Boy Advance instead. It was a more
logically designed and fun to play shooter that took what
little was good about Darius and added a lot of necessary
improvements, resulting in a fantastic Genesis game and an
even better arcade release. The odd thing is, Sagaia's
quality didn't rub off on any of its sequels. I didn't
think much of Darius Twin on the Super NES, and Darius Gaiden
on the Saturn came very close to frightening me with its
cheesy new wave soundtrack, complete with opera singers that
warned you of approaching boss encounters. Zuntata's
music tends to be hit or miss, but the soundtrack in Darius
Gaiden was so far off target that I suspect the musicians
turned their backs to the bullseye before firing.
All right, just one more thing. I'm going to put an
icon at the end of each update that leads directly to the
forum, where you can discuss the topics I've brought up on the
front page. It'll be a little clumsier than what
Jeremy's done with the Toastyfrog web site, but it'll
nevertheless help promote feedback and keep the conversations
on the message board relevant to what's happening on the
site.
| March 6, 2003... In The
Loop |
Just played 1944: The Loop Master today. It's an
excellent game, but it feels less like a true sequel to the
original 194x series than it does a fan's
interpretation. It makes sense when you really think
about it, because Raizing/Eighting, the co-creators of
the Bloody Roar series, were responsible for the game rather
than one of Capcom's own design teams. While I can't
fault the quality of Raizing and Eighting's work, I suspect
that Capcom would have known better than to add a cheesy 80's
metal soundtrack to a game that takes place just after the
second World War. After a couple rounds, you start
feeling like you're locked in the plane with the members of
Great White. Er, the remaining members of Great White,
anyway.
| March 5, 2003... Fallen
Angels FAQ Fixes |
What, an update to the Fallen Angels FAQ a day after its
premiere? Yup. I talked to the guys at Sector: NGP
about the strategy guide, and they made some pretty good
suggestions, some so good I just had to include them in the
FAQ right away. Instead of confusing abbreviations for
all the joystick motions, I've added arrows, which should make
the guide a lot easier to read and use. It'll also make
it load more slowly, but hey, since I'm writing this in HTML,
I might as well take advantage of the medium, right?
The best part about the arrows is that they'll make it a
cinch to write more fighting game FAQs, should I choose to do
so. Depending on the reaction I get from this one,
that's not entirely out of the question.
| March 4,
2003... They've Fallen and They Can't Get
Up! |
The Fallen Angels strategy guide is finished. All
readers of this site who enjoy fighting games are strongly
encouraged to download the Daraku Tenshi/Fallen Angels ROM and
put the new FAQ through its paces. By the way, this was
planned as a Gameroom Blitz exclusive, but someone else had
other plans, sending his own Fallen Angels strategy guide to
GameFAQs over the weekend. I must admit that his guide
is good... but I'm confident that mine is better. Feel
free to compare the two and draw your own conclusions.
I just wanted to mention that the Fire Sale will be closing
in a week. If you haven't gotten in your order, do it
now. If you already have, send me your scratch and I'll
mail you your merchandise. Once the shutters are closed
on the sale, it'll take a serious financial emergency to pry
them back open... if you want anything, you'd better get your
tail in gear and tell me.
Well, I finally downloaded a copy of Visual Pinball and
Visual PinMAME, and the two go together beautifully.
Problem is, the only game I've currently got that takes full
advantage of this dynamic duo is the miserable Baby
Pac-Man. I knew full well that it sucked even while I
was downloading it, but what can I say? Curiousity got
the better of me. Baby Pac-Man is, after all, the only
Pac-Man game I hadn't played extensively. Due to its
difficult to emulate hybrid design and limited production run,
I hadn't touched the game in nearly twenty years. I
appreciated the chance to try it again after so long, but that
still won't save it from the negative review it so richly
deserves. I might even throw in an equally brutal comic
for good measure.
| February 28,
2003... Iraq and
Roll |
Now there's a banner graphic that'll stir up some
controversy. I don't really support the war in Iraq,
mostly because there just doesn't seem to be a logical reason
for it (getting Bush re-elected doesn't count). However,
it's always fun to blow up Saddam Hussein, or as SNK likes to
call him, "General Mordern". Come on, guys, we knew from
the moment we saw him who that was supposed to be. You
weren't fooling anyone with that silly new name.
| February 27,
2003... Konami's New Logo (spoiler alert:
it's horrible) |
Boy did I pick a wrong time to take a break from updating
the site. News from the gaming industry hasn't been this
exciting in a long time. Sega's merged with Sammy, who's
hired former SNK employees to design games for their upcoming
arcade system AtomisWave. Playmore is releasing its own
version of Capcom vs. SNK for both the Neo-Geo and Game Boy
Advance. Acclaim will be distributing the most recent
King of Fighters EX game in the United States. I'd
expect great things from all those other companies, but it's
hard to believe that Acclaim was smart enough to grab the
rights to an SNK license. I guess Tom Petty was right
when he said that "even the losers get lucky sometimes."
Sadly, there's some bad news to go with the good. The
mysterious Capcom All-Stars fighting game has been wadded up
and thrown in the circular file, a frustrating turn of events
for fans of the company who desperately wanted to pit Ryu
against Strider without all those silly Marvel superheroes
getting in the way of the action. Meanwhile, Capcom's
eternal rival Konami has made an even dumber move, retiring
its four flags logo in favor of, well, ugh.
Konami claims it redesigned its logo in an attempt to
diversify the company. I can't begin to doubt this
statement, because judging from the girlish graphic above,
Konami will not only have fierce competition from Capcom and
Midway, but from Massengille and Summer's Eve as well.
Can you imagine seeing this super-feminine logo adorning the
top of the next Metal Gear Solid? It gives me a
not-so-fresh feeling just thinking about it.
| February 24,
2003... Did Somebody Order an
Update? |
Ooh yeah, now THAT'S an update! New comic, new
reviews... you couldn't ask for anything more. Well, you
could ask for the Fallen Angels FAQ I promised earlier, but
then you'd just be greedy. That'll have to wait a
while... how long, I don't know.
| February 22,
2003... When I'm
64 |
Hasn't anyone made a decent N64 emulator yet? The
best I've got so far is Project 64, and even that just rates
as average in comparison to the big Ms, MAME, MEKA, and
MESS. Everything else pretty much stinks. That's
especially frustrating since I've just found the closest thing
the N64 ever had to a traditional Street Fighter clone, a
wacky Konami release called Rakugakids. It's got the six
button layout, it's got special and super moves... the only
thing that seperates it from Capcom and SNK's fighting games
is that all the characters were drawn childishly in crayon and
set against polygonal (although still 2D) playfields.
It's a delicious difference, though, because the game looks
great that way. I just wish I could play it more
thoroughly and really get a feel for it, but the crummy N64
emulators I've got make that pretty tough.
"Well, Jess, you could, you know, obtain a copy of the game
LEGALLY and play it on a real N64..."
Grr. I'll let you know when I have enough disposable
income to do that. My clock says that time's a quarter
to never.
| February 21,
2003... A Neo
Sensation |
I finally got a chance to try the latest two King of
Fighters games... y'know, the ones designed by Korean
development team Eolith. I was surprised at how well
they fared against the original games created by SNK. If
it weren't for the oddball character portraits (thankfully
toned down in KOF 2002) it would be difficult to tell that
they weren't made by the original King of Fighters team.
John Roche has already covered both games on the site, but I
want a chance to discuss them as well, so expect my own
opinions to appear on The Gameroom Blitz in the near
future. I'll just have to approach the subject a little
differently than he did to keep the topic fresh.
One thing I can't freshen up is another, rather stale
Neo-Geo release called Zupapa. So many cute games
desperately want to be the next Bubble Bobble, but they always
experiment with new play mechanics that just aren't as
effective or fun as those introduced in the Taito
classic. Sadly, Zupapa is no different. I was a
little disappointed with SNK's other Bubble Bobble clone
Nightmare in the Dark, but I've earned a whole new respect for
the game after playing Zupapa, which could just as easily have
been released on the Neo-Geo Pocket with very little
sacrificed. I feel sorry for the saps who actually paid
in excess of two hundred dollars for this cartridge... they
spent a whole lot of money and got very little fun in
return.
| February 18,
2003... Marine
Slug? |
Is it me, or do the art styles in SNK's Metal Slug series
and Irem's submarine shooter In The Hunt look extremely
similar? There's a strong, perhaps even uncanny
resemblence between the games... just look at the drab colors,
the plump vehicle designs, and the exaggerated gun
animations. I tend to think that SNK may have "borrowed"
a few artists from Irem, like when they hired a bunch of
Capcom employees to design their Fatal Fury sequels.
Anyway, I've added a review to the site, but I'm way behind
on everything else. I haven't gotten a lick of work done
on the staff profiles, and several of the graphics on the site
(particularly the title banner) are so ancient that I'll have
to carefully replace them with artwork of the exact same
weight to keep from getting flattened by a giant
boulder. It worked for Indiana Jones, didn't it?
It didn't? Oh, crap.
| February 17, 2003...
Hazy Shade of Winter |
You'd think I'd have a Zoo Logic comic to go along with the
news of Sega's merger, but nope... not just yet.
Frankly, I just didn't have the time for it. My weekend
was split evenly between a fun evening at Game Hits and the
next day being stranded on another snowy road in the middle of
nowhere. The next time I go anywhere, I'm taking a map
and a flamethrower with me.
Anyway, there's a new feature on the Blitz called El Libro,
and I've brought back an article that was especially popular
when it was first published here. You'll find them both
at this link.
Now if you'll excuse me, I think I'll crawl into bed and
collapse. Wait, can you collapse after you've already
laid down? OK, never mind that last part.
| February 14,
2003... Sega and Sammy, An Affair to
Forget |
It's Valentine's Day, and love is in the air... or some
crap. All I'm feeling is the bitter chill of winter and
some lingering shock from yesterday's news that Sega and Sammy
plan to merge. Everyone else is taking this information
in stride, but it came as a huge blow to me... Sega, the
mighty creators of the Genesis, Saturn, and Dreamcast, are
pairing up with Sammy, the fiends responsible for the games
Death Crimson, Amagon, and Survival Arts? It just ain't
fair, I tells 'ya!
Oh well... at least I've got this demo of Rally Raid to
comfort me. If you're into shooters, you need to check
this out. It's an extremely polished shareware release
for x86 computers with gameplay reminiscent of the masterful
Dodonpachi and graphics that'll remind you just as much of
Radiant Silvergun. You should be able to get it from the
author's web site, but if that doesn't work, I'll post a link
to a huge collection of Japanese shooters in a few days.
What the heck... even if it DOES work, I might just post that
link anyway!
| February 12,
2003... Half-Life for the System with Half a
Life |
I guess there's a first time for everything, and this was
the first time I'd wound up in the ditch after driving in an
especially brutal Michigan snowstorm. I've got to thank
to the good samaritans who stopped to offer me assistance
(there were a lot of 'em, too!), and to the tow truck guy who
somehow managed to reach the nearest town despite the blinding
hail of flakes. My hat's off to all of you... but I hope
you don't mind if I quickly put it back on so my ears don't
get frostbite.
So, it seems that after floating in limbo for nearly a
year, Half-Life has finally found its way to the
Dreamcast. I've heard it's even better than the PS2
version thanks to more reasonable load times. I'd be
really excited about that... if it weren't for the fact that
I'm just not that crazy about first person shooters. Oh
well, I'm sure a lot of other Dreamcast owners will appreciate
the opportunity to play the game. I just hope those
sneaky hackers will eventually find even more unreleased games
for the system, because there's got to be something out there
that I'd love to play.
Before I go, I was wondering... I looked through the paper
the other day and noticed that The Boondocks was conspicuously
absent from the comics page. It seemed as though the
editors pulled the 'ol switch-a-roo and replaced it with a
second rate knockoff called Housebroken, about a rapping pit
bull terrier or some nonsense. Are other papers around
the country following suit? If that's the case, I think
this is astoundingly lame. Sure, I was opposed to nearly
every one of Aaron MacGruder's political opinions, and for me,
reading his comic was like drinking a cup of hot urine mixed
with crushed glass and thumbtacks. However, I know there
were a lot of other people who did enjoy it, and they're not
going to be happy when they open up their paper and find some
hasty, toothless replacement. Today's newspaper comics
say so very little, and this problem only worsens when artists
are forced to quit and their space is instantly claimed by
transparent toy ads like Mr. Potato Head and Pokemon. If
the editors insist on turning the comics page into a shiny
happy place full of love, warm thoughts, and blatantly obvious
product placement, people are going to give up on the
newspapers entirely and find better comics elsewhere.
There's only fifty billion of them on the Internet right
now.
Mark my words... the comics in today's papers are headed
down the same path as NBC's Saturday morning line-up ten years
ago. NBC was entirely dependant on hot licenses like The
Smurfs, and when those licenses went cold, all the network had
to offer instead was tripe like Camp Candy. This spelled
doom for their block of cartoons, and the same thing will
happen to your comics page if its editors continue to stifle
the creativity of artists like Aaron MacGruder.
| February 10,
2003... Art
Alive |
A friend of mine was nice enough to sell me his copy of
Versus Books' Street Fighter Alpha 2 strategy guide. In
addition to exhaustive coverage of what was arguably the best
of the Alpha games, the book also contains great production
artwork and scribbles from Capcom's design team. This
wasn't the most impressive of these drawings, but it's
nevertheless one of my favorites, for obvious reasons.
It's a relief to know that the creators of the Street Fighter
series hated Street Fighter: The Movie as much as the rest of
us.
By the way, I haven't forgotten about the book reviews or
the Fallen Angels strategy guide... I'm working on the latter
and pondering layout designs for the former. However, I
HAVE added extra content to the Dan Hibiki page, for the first
time in months. If you're a fan of Capcom's beautiful
loser, go to it!
| February 8,
2003... Chojin Man (or, recalled for your
pleasure) |
I've finally got a Pen Drive, so it should be a lot easier
for me to transfer files from my home computer to the Internet
terminals I use to update The Gameroom Blitz. All that
extra storage should also come in handy for ROM files... I can
finally start a halfway decent collection of X68000 games now
that I can fit several on one storage device, rather than
having to span one title across multiple discs.
So, what's this about Microsoft cancelling Kakuto
Chojin? From what I've heard, it's more than just a mere
cancellation... they're recalling the discs and asking stores
to destroy them afterward. Now, if it were solely
because the game was awful, that I could understand, but the
recall was actually inspired by the controversial use of the
Koran in one of the endings. Forgive me if I sound
insensitive, but I just don't think this warrants the biggest
gaming cover-up since Atari buried thousands of ET game
cartridges in a New Mexico landfill. Christianity is
subject to constant abuse, ranging from arrogant atheists on
Fark referring to the Bible as "a fairy tale" to an artist
submerging a cross in urine. For some odd reason, all of
this was not considered insensitive or blasphemous, but rather
"progressive" and "daring". Yet, when Islamic beliefs
are called into question, that's suddenly horrible and
wrong. It's a load of crap. If we had to put up
with Xenogears, Muslims can take the lumps they're given from
a game like Kakuto Chojin. They weren't the only ones
who suffered after playing it.
Anyway... Phil Estes was kind enough to keep the site up to
date with a review of Dead or Alive: Xtreme Beach
Volleyball. If you're a sports nut, you'd better get
your copy now. After all, who knows how long it'll stay
on store shelves with those naughty girls playing outside
without their veils?
| February 5,
2003... I Heard It on the
X |
A student in my computer repair class had heard that
Microsoft was going to merge with "the maker of the Game Boy"
(presumably he meant Nintendo) and release a portable system
called the XBoy. Heh, that's certainly, uh, imaginative,
but anyone who really knows Nintendo also realizes that they
would never willingly surrender their complete domination of
the portable market to one of their competitors.
Who comes up with these idiotic rumors, anyway? This
kind of crap makes me want to bash my head against a rock.
| February 3,
2003... Subject to Immediate
De-Rez-olution |
At long last, a Zoo Logic comic. It wasn't the one
I'd originally planned to put up, but I felt obliged to make a
statement about Sega's Rez after playing it on the
Dreamcast. That statement is, "Huh?"
Seriously, Rez is pretty well done, and I'm glad designers
like the ones at UGA are demonstrating that video games are
every bit as much an outlet for artistic expression as a piano
or a paintbrush. However, this particular work of art
doesn't click with me. I liked Tron, and I like artwork
inspired by Tron, but all the imaginatively designed flat
shaded polygons and vectors in the world don't hide the fact
that this is a pretty simplistic shooter. The ability to
add your own beat by firing at enemies in tune to the music
seemed rather worthless to me as well... it's an amusing
diversion, but it doesn't seem to affect the gameplay
much. Whether you blast the bad guys methodically or
just hammer the fire button, the end result will be dead bad
guys. I don't see the point in expending that extra
effort if you're not going to be rewarded for it.
Anyway, I've added reviews of N20 and Daraku Tenshi: The
Fallen Angels, two games that went unnoticed by most of the
public. Hopefully people will read these reviews and
realize they've been missing out on some great software.
I'm also working on a FAQ for The Fallen Angels in an effort
to promote this excellent Psikyo fighter. With any luck
it'll be available both here and on Jeff Veasey's GameFAQs in
a couple of weeks.
| February 1, 2003... The
Collector's Guide to the Universe (or, Don't
Panic!) |
I just received a copy of the Digital Press Collector's
Guide in the mail. This thing is fantastic... in fact,
it's so good that I'm making a page specifically devoted to it
and other video game books. That should be up in a week
or two. As for Zoo Logic, I've started a comic but it's
tough to say when I'll get it finished. If you enjoy
reading it, cross your fingers and hope it's out by
Monday. If you don't, you won't feel too cheated if it's
released later.
Mandi Paugh was kind enough to send me a review of Metroid
Fusion, so that's been added to the site. I'd chip in as
well but I feel pretty lousy right now and don't have anything
of merit to contribute. I spent a couple of hours
drawing a new banner intended as a tribute to the late
charicature artist Al Hirschfeld, but because it turned out so
poorly it probably won't be published on the site. It
would be a shame to have the man roll in his grave so soon
after he's been placed in it.
| January 30, 2003... All the
News That's Fat to
Print |
It bothered me enough that Ain't It Cool News, the silly,
self-absorbed film review site edited by Harry Knowles, was
getting more visitors per minute than The Gameroom Blitz does
in an entire day. It's even worse that they'll be in
direct competition with video game sites like this one
soon. As you may have read on Penny Arcade, Knowles
plans to launch Ain't It Cool Games, which in all likelihood
will be every bit as lousy as the site that made him
famous.
Knowles plans to use "industry spies" to uncover
information about games still in development, a technique that
helped give the otherwise abysmal Ain't It Cool News an edge
over other film review sites. Fortunately, a
particularly sharp poster on the Toastyfrog message boards
pointed out that Japanese game designers have a little more
dignity than conceited film directors like Kevin Smith, and
aren't nearly as likely to share inside information about
their projects after getting their egos massaged by Knowles'
army of zit faced nerds. Heck, those designers may not
want to talk to them at all! I suspect that Ain't It
Cool Games will be finished shortly after they print this
"revealing interview" with Shigeru Miyamoto:
"Wow, Mr. Miyamoto, we really, really, REALLY love your
work! So, is it true that Luigi will be a playable
character in Super Mario 128? You can tell your biggest
fans, right?"
"Go away, you pathetic little dorks."
"Uh,
OK."
| January 27, 2003... Knuckle
Under |
Blarrgh... I'm sorry this update is so late. I
couldn't even get the Zoo Logic comic finished in time, but at
least I managed to scrounge up a review for Fighter's
Misery. Namco's made some lousy fighting games in the
past, but this one is so bad that it'll actually make you
GRATEFUL for Tekken. I mean, at least Tekken inspired
the outstanding Soul Calibur and its sequel. I can't
imagine anything good coming out of Knuckle Heads, except the
few quarters gamers foolishly dropped into the arcade game
when it was first released. Even those are so tainted
with its failure that they may as well be sent back to the
U.S. Mint for a refund.
By the way, it's worth mentioning that the latest MAME
build takes a lot less time to load than the previous one
released two weeks ago. I guess I wasn't the only one
that found the six second wait just a little irritating.
| January 24, 2003... New Games, Old
Hardware |
Aw, crap, I missed a day.
Have you visited Atari Age lately? You'd be surprised
at what programmers have been able to squeeze out of the 2600
hardware. It's over twenty five years old, yet it's
kicking out incredible techno soundtracks (courtesy of Paul
Slocum) and rendered full motion video clips (courtesy of QB
creator Andrew Davies). Both programmers are designing
games as well... Slocum's already finished a Super Monkey Ball
derivitive called Marble Craze, and Davies is planning a
fighting game that's already in the running as the best of its
kind on the 2600.
It's really exciting, yet a bit frustrating too, because
I'd like to be able to work this kind of magic on classic game
systems. Sadly, I have a tough enough time just making
hacks of previously existing 2600 games... actually designing
them is a bit past my scope.
| January 22, 2003... Now
It's Personal |
I want to apologize to everyone who hasn't received an
E-mail from me in a while. I haven't been especially
active or social in the past few months, but I'm starting to
understand things about myself that didn't make sense to me
before, and I think I'll be able to better accommodate my
readers and the online gaming community as a whole now that
I'm on this road to self-discovery.
| January 21, 2003... Fire,
Fire! Heh heh! |
Sorry I waited so long to do this, but I've finally
refreshed the Fire Sale page. Most of the items are gone
or reserved now, and once the currently pending orders are
completed I'll probably close up shop. I'd like to thank
everyone who participated... the sale may be over soon, but
The Gameroom Blitz will remain thanks to your support.
| January 20, 2003... Running at the
Speed of Slug |
I thought I'd never have to make this complaint again after
I upgraded my computer, but after downloading the newest
version of MAME, I'm gonna say it one more time... the stupid
emulator is WAY TOO SLOW. I'm forced to wait six seconds
before it'll start, and even your ordinary average 2D fighting
game has frame rate issues and echoing voices. This
mediocre performance, by the way, is on a 1.0 gig Duron
processor with 512 megs of RAM and a 64 meg video card.
Those aren't amazing specifications by today's standards, but
come on, it should be more than enough to play Street Fighter
the fricking movie.
More than ever, I'm convinced that the designers are
wasting system resources with inefficient code and support for
games nobody wants to play. I can think of a pretty easy
way to trim some of that fat MAME's put on its waistline over
the years... just take all the cheesy strip Mahjong and
Shanghai titles and move them to their own MAME build.
After all, nobody really wants them. Hell, nobody even
knows how to play them! The few who do can get all the
Mahjong (and everything else) they want just by downloading
PornMAME. That way, those of us who want to play REAL
video games can do it without having to wait a decade for them
to load.
| January 18, 2003... Something
Awful Really Is |
Whoa, whoa, whoa... what the heck is John Roche's review
doing with my name on it? Rest assured that I've taken
care of this nasty little editing problem, and that John has
been given the credit he deserves for his work.
Now it's time for some fun... are you ready to play
Something Awful mad libs? It's really easy... simply
take the paragraph below, add the words listed in parentheses,
and you've got yourself your very own Something Awful web site
review, just the way the pros do it! You're encouraged
to be as uncreative as possible, because it just wouldn't be
an Awful Link of the Day article if it you used your
imagination to write it. And once you're done there, you
can have even more fun by sabotaging the server that hosts the
web site you just insulted!
AWFUL LINK OF THE DAY
(insert web site that isn't really awful here)
Well, look at this... it's yet another
(furry/goth/conspiracy theorist/webcomic) page! I tell
you, you just can't get enough of these, especially when
they're as (write the slander of your choice) and (add another
libelous comment here) as this one. I have seen so many
of these (furry/goth/conspiracy theorist/webcomic) sites in my
life, but it never gets boring to write about how much I
(synonym for contempt) them! Well, boring for YOU,
maybe, but not for me! Anyways, I would rather (insert
horrible torture you'd love to see inflicted upon Rich Kyanka)
than to ever visit this (furry/goth/conspiracy
theorist/webcomic) site again. In fact, I wish the all
editors of these web sites would just (insert lame insult that
was probably dug out of Seanbaby's garbage can), so I would
never have to read them again! You would be (adjective
that best describes a Something Awful reader) to visit (insert
web site that really isn't awful here), but I'm going to post
the URL here anyway in the hopes that you'll either overwhelm
it with site traffic or find some other way to destroy it!
(insert name of Something Awful contributor that sleeps
with Rich Kyanka; either Emily or Zach will do)
| January 16, 2003... A Penny
(Arcade) for Your
Thoughts |
All right, so yesterday's update was a bit of a cop
out. Hopefully, this one will make up for it. I've
added two of John Roche's Game Boy Advance reviews
today. Don't worry, Phil... your review of Otogi for the
XBox will cap off the week.
I guess the hot button issues right now are Soul Calibur II
and Penny Arcade, so I'll briefly discuss both. I'd just
like to know why everybody on the planet threw a fit about the
new art style Gabe experimented with a couple of weeks
ago. I thought the slightly sketchy but richly colored
comics looked fantastic, and if the editors of Penny Arcade
had switched to that format, I wouldn't have objected to the
decision. Perhaps everyone else would rather have cold
comfort than change, but come on, it isn't like this is the
first time Penny Arcade's been redesigned. That
redesign, by the way, led to the comic looking a whole lot
better than it did when it first started. Everyone needs
to drop the pitchforks and torches and just let the site
evolve as its creators have intended.
Speaking of web comics, have you checked out VG.Cats
lately? It's really good this week.
It looks like Link won't be the only exclusive character in
Namco's sequel to its incredible Dreamcast fighter Soul
Calibur. Regardless of the system they own, everyone's
going to get an extra incentive to take up arms and head into
battle. Link is the most appealing of these new
characters (even with an incredibly short skirt that leaves
precious little to the imagination... brr...), but Spawn and
Heihachi are pretty good consolation prizes if you don't own a
GameCube. I just hope Todd McFarlane's deadly touch
doesn't affect Soul Calibur II the way it has every other
video game he's helped create. Remember, he not only has
three mediocre Spawn titles under his belt, but was a creative
consultant on the wimpy XBox platformer Shrek as well.
Ever get that feeling that you're running on bullet
time? I just woke up and am listening to a Journey song
on the radio that sounds like it's been drastically slowed
down. Now if it were sped up, that would make more
sense... that's what they've done to films on television to
squeeze in more commercials. I can't imagine why anyone
would slow down their tunes, though, leading me to believe
that I'm the one who needs a speed adjustment.
| January 15, 2003... Dick
Clark's New Year Doesn't
Rock |
(Jess crawls to the keyboard after getting home from work,
looking like hell and feeling like crap)
bv ,n vnb b nl ,m
(Having completed his update for the day, Jess flashes a
dazed yet triumphant smile. He teeters a bit on his
knees, then falls face forward to the ground)
EXTRA RANT: It might be time to dump what was one of my
favorite holiday traditions... namely, watching Dick Clark's
New Years special. I don't remember it being this lame
and pandering when I was a kid. Maybe that's the
problem... the show reflects the current trends of the year in
which it takes place, and the past five years haven't been
especially endearing to me. It doesn't help that they've
added Steve Douchie (er, close enough) to the annual
celebration. His jokes somehow manage to be both timely
and stale all at once... now here's a guy who could give the
the undisputed champion of lame, Jay Leno, a run for his
undeserved money. Even the crowd in New York has lost
their magic... last year, shortly after the 9/11 attack, Steve
asked one of the New Yorkers who they'd first like to see in
the new year. The response was pretty obvious... Osama
bin Ladin, so the guy would have the opportunity to kick the
crap out of him. Well, Steve tried to change the subject
this year, asking a member of the crowd who they'd like to
KISS once the ball dropped. The answer, again, was Osama
bin Ladin- the official numbskull of the new year later
explained that it would be the last kiss Osama ever
received. What the hell...?! Was he really so
desperate to get on television and flex his proverbial muscles
that he was willing to make a puzzling, vaguely homoerotic
statement like that? While this dimwit is burying his
lips in Osama's thick, gnarled beard, I'll be kissing Dick
Clark goodbye and warming up to the Red Green New Year's show
instead.
| January 14, 2003... The Great
GameBoy Dilemma |
Wicked, I'm two for two right now! Just three more
updates and I've met my goal for the week.
It's tough to decide whether I want to buy a Game Boy
Advance SP or just invest that money into making my current
Game Boy better. The SP is a slick piece of technology;
extremely small and convenient to carry, but that size could
make it much less convenient to use. The antiquated
Nintendo crosspad's been made even crummier now that it's
recessed, and the L and R buttons haven't been moved to the
face of the unit as I hoped. It does have a built in
light, and the system now includes rechargable batteries that
give you a reasonable amount of gaming mileage (hey, ten hours
with lighting is a whole lot better than the Game Gear's
three, or the Nomad's one), but I can't help but think that a
better Game Boy Advance could be built by Frankensteining the
original system. Er, by "Frankensteining", I mean
opening it up and swapping out parts, not tucking it between
my thighs and dropping it to the floor in a sexually
suggestive throw that instantly earns me thousands of horny
fans and a film portrayal by Kylie Minogue.
| January 13, 2003... If This Is a
Dream Team, Somebody Wake Me
Up! |
Looks like I'm officially part of the Digital Press "dream
team" of writers now. Joe's shifted his attention from
the print fanzine (delegating those responsibilities to Dave
Giarrusio) to the web site, and he needs staff members to
write new articles. I just happened to be one of the
folks he selected for the job, so you'll see my monthly column
MAMExpose, along with the occasional game review, on the
official Digital Press home page.
What will this mean for The Gameroom Blitz? Actually,
I'll be updating more, not less, because of it. I'll
need to write on a regular basis to keep Joe happy, and
regular updates to The Gameroom Blitz will help keep me in
that habit. I can't make any promises, but I'm aiming to
refresh the website five times a week, starting riiiight...
now. Thank goodness I have my own contributors... their
reviews will help keep this site worth visiting on a daily
basis.
Zoo Logic won't be updated nearly this much, but I'm going
to experiment with the format a little, turning it into a
combination furry/sprite comic. Since my backgrounds are
nothing to get excited about, I'll be, heh, "borrowing" some
from a variety of video games and using them to add more
detail to the strip.
And while I'm teasing the corporate lion with my flagrant
copyright violations, I may as well post these pictures from
the 2600 version of Jungle King. That's right, Jungle
KING! I've returned the famed lord of the apes to the
game twenty years after Taito was forced to replace him with a
Dr. Livingston clone. Let's just see what Eddie
Burroughs and his army of Tharks thinks of THAT!
| January 6, 2003... RSI:
Miami |
You know what really sucks? Tendenitis. So does
carpal tunnel syndrome. I'm a little worried that I may
have one or both, because my right hand is tingling like
crazy, and it's been this way for an alarmingly long
time. I'll have to visit the doctor about it when I can
afford it, but in the meantime, does anyone have any
suggestions that would help keep the problem in check?
If you do, send them my way... I'd really appreciate it.
I'm kind of worried about this because it's my right hand
we're talking about here. In my line of work and with my
hobbies, an ailment like carpal tunnel attacking your most
used hand is a serious problem. If I can't draw, can't
type, and can't play video games, this site is dead in the
water. Luckily for me, the latest game I've received,
the obscure RPG Shadow Hearts, doesn't require much in the way
of fancy joypad work... I could play it with my left hand and
a bloody stump if necessary. I've written both a comic
about and a review of Shadow Hearts in this update.
One more thing... I finally sent the profile questionnaires
out to most of my contributors. If you write for the
site and didn't get one, let me know and I'll make sure you
do.
| January 2, 2003... The Imperfect
Bloodstorm |
It's the special Gameroom Blitz birthday update! The
birthday is mine, but the review on Fighter's Misery is for
you. There's a helpful file to go along with the
article, too... it should take you straight to the last boss
in the game. That is, if you actually want to waste time
playing it, and that's a little doubtful.
I've fixed a few of the problems with the new review page,
too. Some of the links didn't take you directly to the
reviews, but that should no longer be an issue.
Guess that'll do it. If any of you guys want to
surprise me with, you know, guest art or something fun like
that, I'd really appreciate the gesture. Since my
birthday also happens to be my first day back to work, and the
day everyone decides to feed their Christmas trees into the
nearest chipper-shredder, I could use the
encouragement.